A man goes to his doctor for a few days for exams.
Husband: what have you been doing with all the grocery money I
First pastor: I hear you had a revival.
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck anddies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is aproblem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're notsure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have youspend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spendeternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down tohell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Inthe distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends andother politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand,and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of thepeople. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good timedancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizesit, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter iswaiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving fromcloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before herealizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose youreternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have saidit before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off inhell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land coveredwith waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it inblack bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don'tunderstand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golfcourse and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland fullof garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
Number 10
Final day his Dr. says to him' "I have some good news and some bad news for you.
The man says "give me the good first"
Dr. "You've got 24 hours to live".
"My goodness" the man exclaims, "What's the bad news"?
Doctor "I forgot to tell you yesterday"
give you?
Wife: turn sideways and look in the mirror
Second pastor: Yes, we did.
First pastor: How many additions did you have?
Second pastor: We didn't have any additions, but we had some blessed subtractions.
Bonus:
A farmer vows he increased egg production by putting this sign in the henhouse: "An egg a day keeps Colonel Sanders away."
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?
Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
And the BONUS thought for today
"Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow".
After working most of her life, Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all of teh medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a perscription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night," she replied. "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...and believe me, it helps me sleep at nigh." You gotta love Grandmas!
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all of the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, weight lifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon - not bad!
